"That Doesn't Look LIke the Egyptian Stuff in the British Museum, Does It?"
To all directors everywhere: It’s time to have a talk about found-footage movies. They were a great little toy to have this past ten years or so. “District 9” and “Paranormal Activity” were big hits, and even “Cloverfield” did moderately well. However, if this is how you’re going to use found-footage techniques from here on out, I think it’s best for everyone if you think twice about using the form.
I would not be so mad about watching “The Pyramid” if I hadn’t seen it already. It came out in September, except back then it was called “As Above, So Below”. They both follow the “Overcoming the Monster” plot, they both use handheld cameras, they both involve exploring ancient winding passageways filled with old quasi-religious secrets, and they are both at least an hour too long. What’s staggering to me is that “The Pyramid” actually manages to be the WORSE of the two.
This can’t be what the horror genre is becoming. I refuse to believe it. There’s not a single moment of genuine tension in the entire film. The movie settles for using some half-hearted jump-scares, or pointless moments of gore laced with bad CGI instead of anything really terrifying. There’s plenty of claustrophobics who might be creeped out by the tight, winding corridors our intrepid heroes find themselves in, but they’ll quickly be soothed by the clunky, expositional dialogue. Our main characters, a father-daughter archeological team, tend to spout off whatever bit of Egyptian knowledge comes into their head at any given moment, to the point where even the other characters in the film tell them to knock it the fuck off and focus on getting out of the death trap they’ve landed themselves in. A note to writers: if you need an entire film’s worth of background information to make your audience understand what the film is actually about, you’ve written a convoluted script. Try again, and next time think about writing characters who exist to do something other than be brutally murdered.
What’s strangest to me about “The Pyramid” is that, while it obviously follows the found-footage tradition that’s been established recently, at certain points in the film it forgets that it’s supposed to be a found-footage documentary. Other cameras come into play, cameras that certainly can’t exist in an Egyptian tomb, and certainly aren’t being held by any of the characters. The quality of film does not improve when the director takes over; the shots are still just as clunky and poorly managed. “The Pyramid” might have done better if it had committed to being filmed in a more traditional format. Then it might have achieved some kind of B-movie cult status. As it stands, it’s nothing more than a shaky, incoherent mess.
When watching a film set during the riots in Cairo, amidst the backdrop of a country-wide revolution, one has to wonder why directors continue to gravitate towards thinly plotted, insubstantial stories. “The Pyramid” is a waste of time, and considering the steps that the form has taken in recent past, that’s the worst insult you can give a work of art.
DRINK:
A capfull of laundry detergent.
Sorry. Not funny. Uhhh, red wine. Sure.
POSSIBLE RULES:
-Drink for expository dialogue
-Drink when a camera is used that's not being held by a primary character
-Drink when someone dies
-Drink when someone speaks in a foreign language.
-Drink when someone screams.
This review was written by Hollis Beck (Krissy Pappau). "The Pyramid" is produced by Sahara Productions and Silvatar Media, and distributed by 20th Century Fox. The film is rated "R" with a runtime of 89 minutes.
This can’t be what the horror genre is becoming. I refuse to believe it. There’s not a single moment of genuine tension in the entire film. The movie settles for using some half-hearted jump-scares, or pointless moments of gore laced with bad CGI instead of anything really terrifying. There’s plenty of claustrophobics who might be creeped out by the tight, winding corridors our intrepid heroes find themselves in, but they’ll quickly be soothed by the clunky, expositional dialogue. Our main characters, a father-daughter archeological team, tend to spout off whatever bit of Egyptian knowledge comes into their head at any given moment, to the point where even the other characters in the film tell them to knock it the fuck off and focus on getting out of the death trap they’ve landed themselves in. A note to writers: if you need an entire film’s worth of background information to make your audience understand what the film is actually about, you’ve written a convoluted script. Try again, and next time think about writing characters who exist to do something other than be brutally murdered.
What’s strangest to me about “The Pyramid” is that, while it obviously follows the found-footage tradition that’s been established recently, at certain points in the film it forgets that it’s supposed to be a found-footage documentary. Other cameras come into play, cameras that certainly can’t exist in an Egyptian tomb, and certainly aren’t being held by any of the characters. The quality of film does not improve when the director takes over; the shots are still just as clunky and poorly managed. “The Pyramid” might have done better if it had committed to being filmed in a more traditional format. Then it might have achieved some kind of B-movie cult status. As it stands, it’s nothing more than a shaky, incoherent mess.
When watching a film set during the riots in Cairo, amidst the backdrop of a country-wide revolution, one has to wonder why directors continue to gravitate towards thinly plotted, insubstantial stories. “The Pyramid” is a waste of time, and considering the steps that the form has taken in recent past, that’s the worst insult you can give a work of art.
DRINK:
A capfull of laundry detergent.
Sorry. Not funny. Uhhh, red wine. Sure.
POSSIBLE RULES:
-Drink for expository dialogue
-Drink when a camera is used that's not being held by a primary character
-Drink when someone dies
-Drink when someone speaks in a foreign language.
-Drink when someone screams.
This review was written by Hollis Beck (Krissy Pappau). "The Pyramid" is produced by Sahara Productions and Silvatar Media, and distributed by 20th Century Fox. The film is rated "R" with a runtime of 89 minutes.
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