"Jesus!" "No, Moses!"
Chances are you have something to celebrate this week! This Sunday is Easter Sunday, and Passover has been observed during the past few days. These major holidays should be spent with family, observing your faith, and pigging out on Cadbury eggs and matzah. You know, the finer things in life.
But you know a little part of you wants to sneak away after all the festivities, get some ceremonial wine and call your besties to indulge in a little blasphemous activity. We won't judge you. That's the Lord's job. We're just here to provide structure to your shenanigans, and make sure your drunken escapades are clean and wholesome. And what's more clean and wholesome than the Old Testament?
The river turns into what, now?
Hoo, boy.
But you know a little part of you wants to sneak away after all the festivities, get some ceremonial wine and call your besties to indulge in a little blasphemous activity. We won't judge you. That's the Lord's job. We're just here to provide structure to your shenanigans, and make sure your drunken escapades are clean and wholesome. And what's more clean and wholesome than the Old Testament?
The river turns into what, now?
Hoo, boy.
"The Drinks of Egypt": The Rules
Play this game with wine. Hopefully red wine, hopefully sweet wine, as close to communion wine as you can get. We used Two-Buck Chuck, though, so you can go as classy as you want with this game.
Just make sure you don't end up praying to the Porcelain God
Easy Mode
1. Drink for Title Drops
2. Drink for Daddy Issues. This includes issues with God.
3. Drink when they drink.
4. Drink whenever Moses and Ramses say each other's names. Because brotherly love is the best kind of love.
5. Drink whenever somebody gets whipped.
Medium Mode
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Drink for song title drops. There's only about five songs. But they're doozies.
2. Drink whenever improbably acts of nature occur. Plagues, anyone?
Hard Mode
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Drink whenever somebody mentions a deity.
1. Drink for Title Drops
2. Drink for Daddy Issues. This includes issues with God.
3. Drink when they drink.
4. Drink whenever Moses and Ramses say each other's names. Because brotherly love is the best kind of love.
5. Drink whenever somebody gets whipped.
Medium Mode
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Drink for song title drops. There's only about five songs. But they're doozies.
2. Drink whenever improbably acts of nature occur. Plagues, anyone?
Hard Mode
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Drink whenever somebody mentions a deity.
Or, you know, talks to one.
The Players
Our onscreen players are Krissy (me), Paul and The Bishop. We read aloud random pages of the Old Testament. To get in the mood.
Our off screen players are...
Pooh Daddy: Once commissioned a statue in his image (Easy).
Seb: Has been mistaken for Anubis. (Medium).
Shirley Whiskas: Feels pretty bad for Moses (Medium).
The Fuzzy Masked Man: Raids pyramids (Hard).
You have no idea of what you're in for, in the best possible way. Enjoy The Prince of Egypt!
Pooh Daddy: Once commissioned a statue in his image (Easy).
Seb: Has been mistaken for Anubis. (Medium).
Shirley Whiskas: Feels pretty bad for Moses (Medium).
The Fuzzy Masked Man: Raids pyramids (Hard).
You have no idea of what you're in for, in the best possible way. Enjoy The Prince of Egypt!
"Why Don't I Remember this Movie?"
I was eight or nine when this movie came out, and I saw it in theaters. I remembered a grand total of two scenes: the terrifying plague sequence, and all the first-born sons dying at God's command.
"Because our God is a loving God." -The Fuzzy Masked Man
This movie is proof that children are Philistines. Upon re-watching The Prince of Egypt, I was STUNNED by the animation and epic qualities the movie presented. This is a movie that understands its source material. The songs, the fantastical sequences (miracles and plagues alike), the character detail, it's all gorgeous. This movie also uses NO CGI. It's all traditional animation, both hand drawn palettes and painted backdrops.
In one scene, Moses has a dream about his origins and how he came to live in the palace, told through crazy hieroglyphics. I am ashamed I didn't remember that a beautiful scene like that exists in the world.
Not that the movie's perfect. For some reason, Dreamworks was still trying to gear this movie towards children, and the more childish elements of the movie stand out. There's a difference between parting the red sea and using, as Seb and the Bishop called it, "The magical power of song" to force your long-lost brother to remember you.
In one scene, Moses has a dream about his origins and how he came to live in the palace, told through crazy hieroglyphics. I am ashamed I didn't remember that a beautiful scene like that exists in the world.
Not that the movie's perfect. For some reason, Dreamworks was still trying to gear this movie towards children, and the more childish elements of the movie stand out. There's a difference between parting the red sea and using, as Seb and the Bishop called it, "The magical power of song" to force your long-lost brother to remember you.
We'll get to Miriam in a second.
Conversely, this movie takes itself too seriously during low-stakes moments. "This movie is so insecure," Paul commented during the chariot race between Moses and Ramses at the movie's opening. It's easy to draw that conclusion. The extreme close up shots, the length and breadth of the camera shots...this movie really wants you to pay attention. This was Dreamworks' second feature length effort in the realm of animation, and it's clear they were trying to establish a name for themselves, as well as to find their voice as storytellers.
And you know what? For the most part, they succeeded with this movie. One aspect of the film elevated it from a decent adaptation to a GREAT one.
And you know what? For the most part, they succeeded with this movie. One aspect of the film elevated it from a decent adaptation to a GREAT one.
It's a Family Drama!
The focus of the movie is the relationship between Ramses and Moses, as brothers and later as opponents. This was the best decision the development team could have made. Taking an epic tale like The Ten Commandments and distilling it down scene-by-scene to a personal, human story elevates the stakes and helps the audience connect with a larger than life situation. Brilliance, in a 90-minute package.
More importantly, any family drama is served with a big heaping side dish of Daddy Issues. We got our money's worth with this movie, especially since this movie has religious themes. They do say that God is the father of us all.
For any of you wondering about the Daddy Issues rule, this movie is chock full of examples. There's Rameses' eternal struggle to please his father and prove to him, even in death that he has the potential to be a great Pharaoh.
More importantly, any family drama is served with a big heaping side dish of Daddy Issues. We got our money's worth with this movie, especially since this movie has religious themes. They do say that God is the father of us all.
For any of you wondering about the Daddy Issues rule, this movie is chock full of examples. There's Rameses' eternal struggle to please his father and prove to him, even in death that he has the potential to be a great Pharaoh.
"I will not be the Weak Link! You hear me, Dad? I mean, Moses?"
There's Moses' confrontation with the Pharaoh after he finds out about his origins. When asked about the terror and death he wreaked upon the Hebrews, the Pharaoh puts a comforting arm around his adoptive son and tells him, "They were only slaves."
You can usually see the issues in their eyes.
And man, now that we've got GOD in the mix, the burning bush scene becomes even more exciting. Moses asks God why he was chosen to lead the Hebrews to the Promised Land, and God blows a gasket, turns red and shouts him down until he agrees. Then he wraps Moses in heavenly wind and tells him to "feel his wonders".
Do I have to say more?
Do I have to say more?
"Don't argue with God, bitches!" -The Bishop
Brotherly Love
"I ship it!" Seb called as Moses and Rameses dumped sacks of wine on top of their comic relief sidekicks. "I ship it! You can't stop me!"
The bromance between Rameses and Moses is handled with much more depth and care even than with Moses' relationship with his future wife, Tzipporah. Part of the reason why Rameses gets all stubborn and kingly during his reign is because of his anger at Moses' betrayal of his family and their values. He lost the only person who ever supported and cared for him, and now he is alone. The angst is delicious.
"I'm just going to make The Bishop really uncomfortable by pointing out all the evidence," Seb continued, and suddenly each drink taken when the brothers' called each other's names held even more meaning.
For the record, if Seb or anyone else writes fan fiction starring these two, I don't want to read it.
The bromance between Rameses and Moses is handled with much more depth and care even than with Moses' relationship with his future wife, Tzipporah. Part of the reason why Rameses gets all stubborn and kingly during his reign is because of his anger at Moses' betrayal of his family and their values. He lost the only person who ever supported and cared for him, and now he is alone. The angst is delicious.
"I'm just going to make The Bishop really uncomfortable by pointing out all the evidence," Seb continued, and suddenly each drink taken when the brothers' called each other's names held even more meaning.
For the record, if Seb or anyone else writes fan fiction starring these two, I don't want to read it.
Face the fury of a broken heart!
The Lord
I have a confession to make. Before we play tested this game, I hadn't re-watched the movie, so I made up the rules from memory. Most of my rules were spot on. People get whipped a lot, especially in the first half of the movie. Moses and Ramses can't stop talking about each other. Nature is manipulated at every turn.
The original Hard Mode rule was "every time someone mentions The Lord", and that's what we played with. Funnily enough, nobody in this movie says the word "Lord". Except in The Plague number, but it's chanted operatically and we were so caught up in the horrifying spectacle that we couldn't understand a word. Looking at the lyrics, it still wouldn't make much of a difference, and I am even more disturbed by the song than I already was.
The original Hard Mode rule was "every time someone mentions The Lord", and that's what we played with. Funnily enough, nobody in this movie says the word "Lord". Except in The Plague number, but it's chanted operatically and we were so caught up in the horrifying spectacle that we couldn't understand a word. Looking at the lyrics, it still wouldn't make much of a difference, and I am even more disturbed by the song than I already was.
Hard mode and Medium mode, therefore, were basically the same game. And Medium mode's not a very difficult game. If you'll notice, I changed the rule to say "whenever someone mentions a deity", which is MUCH more interesting. Because then you get this song.
Combine this with the song title drop rule, and you're basically drinking the whole time. Good luck.
Miriam
Much of the stupidity in the movie comes from Miriam, Moses' birth sister. Not without cause because the plot wouldn't move forward without her, but honestly, all we learn about her is that she is the worst slave ever.
This sounds like a compliment, until you realize that her actions put herself and her brother Aaron in danger. When Tzipporah escaped from slavery, she had nobody else's life riding on hers if she got caught. Miriam suffers violent outbursts in front of a Prince of Egypt (drink), and although Aaron's a wet noodle by comparison, he has the right idea: stay calm, keep safe, figure out a plan when possible.
None of this keeps me from liking Miriam. It's admirable that she has so much fire in her after years of being beaten down by oppressors. But it seems she never learned common sense during that time, and that's worrisome. The kicker comes when Moses kills a slave master who's whipping Miriam and Aaron. When Moses recoils in horror at what he's done, Miriam puts out a comforting hand and tries to touch him.
This sounds like a compliment, until you realize that her actions put herself and her brother Aaron in danger. When Tzipporah escaped from slavery, she had nobody else's life riding on hers if she got caught. Miriam suffers violent outbursts in front of a Prince of Egypt (drink), and although Aaron's a wet noodle by comparison, he has the right idea: stay calm, keep safe, figure out a plan when possible.
None of this keeps me from liking Miriam. It's admirable that she has so much fire in her after years of being beaten down by oppressors. But it seems she never learned common sense during that time, and that's worrisome. The kicker comes when Moses kills a slave master who's whipping Miriam and Aaron. When Moses recoils in horror at what he's done, Miriam puts out a comforting hand and tries to touch him.
"I'm sorry you're sad that you killed my oppressor. Hug?"
"Oh, no, you bitch, back away!" Shirley shouted, startling a few of us.
Pooh Daddy knew what she meant. "You do not touch the Pharaoh's son!" he added.
Which is a good point. Miriam, what were you seriously thinking? Yes, you're overjoyed about finding your brother and all, but at the very least you could have gotten your hand cut off. At most, someone might have thought that you were conspiring with Moses to overthrow the Empire and you all would have died.
This is why secret rebellious factions are so popular.
Pooh Daddy knew what she meant. "You do not touch the Pharaoh's son!" he added.
Which is a good point. Miriam, what were you seriously thinking? Yes, you're overjoyed about finding your brother and all, but at the very least you could have gotten your hand cut off. At most, someone might have thought that you were conspiring with Moses to overthrow the Empire and you all would have died.
This is why secret rebellious factions are so popular.
The Result
After tearing our Bible away from The Bishop (who had been following along in the scripture the entire time), we continued our Old Testament studies.
(If you're wondering what we're looking at halfway through, there were some shirtless shenanigans happening off screen. Some people don't take scripture reading seriously.)
This movie is AWESOME. Drinking to it was also AWESOME. I highly recommend checking it out if you've never watched it and playing this game. Here are some extra rules if you'd like any.
Drink whenever someone talks about "Letting People Go".
I thought Moses only said this once, maybe twice. No. It's a repeated command. And it's fun to toast to. Yay, freedom from enslavement!
Drink whenever the word "Deliver" is used or alluded to.
This doesn't count "Deliver Us", because you're already drinking on the song title drop rule for that, but Moses is called "The Deliverer" several times. At one point, he even delivers a baby lamb! Yay, symbolism!
Drink whenever someone spits on something.
Shirley drank for this after a camel spit on Moses in the desert. We all stared at her.
"Isn't that a rule?" she said, sheepishly.
It is now, Shirley. It is now.
This movie is AWESOME. Drinking to it was also AWESOME. I highly recommend checking it out if you've never watched it and playing this game. Here are some extra rules if you'd like any.
Drink whenever someone talks about "Letting People Go".
I thought Moses only said this once, maybe twice. No. It's a repeated command. And it's fun to toast to. Yay, freedom from enslavement!
Drink whenever the word "Deliver" is used or alluded to.
This doesn't count "Deliver Us", because you're already drinking on the song title drop rule for that, but Moses is called "The Deliverer" several times. At one point, he even delivers a baby lamb! Yay, symbolism!
Drink whenever someone spits on something.
Shirley drank for this after a camel spit on Moses in the desert. We all stared at her.
"Isn't that a rule?" she said, sheepishly.
It is now, Shirley. It is now.
"Camels are assholes". -Paul
Thank you all for reading, and happy holy days! Join us next week for another new drinking game! We leave you with the soothing singing voice of Brian Stokes Mitchell.
Follow us on Twitter @KrissyPappau!
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