"It's Literally a Romp Plus Lyncanthropy."
Or at least that was the idea, but then this 80's classic caught our eye. "Teen Wolf" has received a resurgance in popularity since the television adaptation, which is now in its third season, hit the airwaves. I can't speak for the quality of the TV show; I've never seen it (I know, for shame), but I'm not sure it can top this cult hit. This movie taught us that you should always stay true to yourself, because people will accept you...as long as you're good at organized sports. And if you get turned down constantly by the pretty popular girl, don't worry! Your childhood friend is there as a back-up. And make sure to avoid dangerous stunts unless you have the strength that only the full moon can bring you.
Yeah. This is a weird one. How did it slip past my radar for this long?
"Beer Wolf": The Rules
1. Drink for title drops. For Easy Mode, that's everytime someone says "Teen Wolf".
2. Drink when they drink. There's a lot of underaged drinking in this flick. Don't do it, kids.
3. Drink for Daddy Issues. Werewolf daddy issues. Aw yeah.
4. Drink for signs of lycanthropy, and drink twice when Scott transforms completely.
5. Drink for school activities. Drunk parties don't count. But basketball does. Certainly.
All the above rules apply. Also...
1. Title drops: Drink whenever someone says "wolf". Chug when it's chanted en masse.
2. Drink for Teen Wolf paraphanalia.
3. Drink when someone makes wolf gestures or sounds.
All the above rules apply. Also...
1. Drink for acts of aggression and violent behavior
Krissy: Doesn't mind the full moon as long as Mercury is going direct (Hard)
Velma Jinkies: Loves solving mysteries about Werewolves (Easy)
Seb: Met a Werewolf once. His hair was perfect. (Medium)
Pooh Daddy: Refuses to be photographed. I wonder why...(Medium)
Join us on our hairiest drinking game yet. It's Teen Wolf!
Must be a Full Moon
I blame the opening completely for all of my moments of confusion during this movie. It could have warned me that this was a decent movie. But noooo, it had to get all existential on me. Had to try and be ominous. Good grief.
Teen Wolf can best be described as a movie that knew it wasn't going to age well and decided to entrench itself firmly in 1985. It is the cheesiest, feel-goodist, campiest depiction of high school life featuring werewolves I've ever seen. For example, listen to the music that plays during Michael J. Fox's first full transformation (as Velma remarked, the 80's did not know how to do suspense music very well).
Fans of this show, I'm sure it's fine. Put down your torches and pitchforks, I know you are large in number and could easily overwhelm me. But I think you're trying to do too much with your source material. And you're missing out on some key elements that made the movie shine.
Like Boof. This show really seems to need a Boof.
Fifty Shades of Boof
I underestimated how cool Boof is.
Almost immediately any notion of Boof as a "Nice Girl" is tossed out the window. She makes it very clear to Scott that she's romantically interested in him, and makes concentrated efforts to win him. At the first high school party of the movie (can't drink, doesn't count as a school activity), she manages to get him into the closet for a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven through deceit and trickery, then manages to turn on the charm.
And guess what? Until Scott turns all wolfy on her, it works.
"It's because he sees her as a person, not an object!" argues Seb. And yeah, I guess that's part of it. He's known Boof forever and maybe sexualizing her is something he can't do, no matter how much of an emotional bond they have. I think it's even simpler than that, though. Taking gender politics out of this, Boof reminds him of his hometown. She's always been a part of his life, and when he thinks of her he thinks of growing up.
The thing is, Scott hates his hometown. Several times in the beginning of the movie, he discusses with Boof how boring their town is, how lame it is that he has to work at his Dad's hardware store, how he wants to get out because he knows he's special. Boof responds with "Your Dad's a great guy," and "I love our hometown."
The idea of being with Boof to Scott means that he has given up. He's chosen to settle down with his childhood friend, have kids, take over the hardware store and never leave the town he grew up in. So he lusts after an unattainable ideal, not because he's a jerk who objectifies women, but because he secretly thinks that he deserves better. He deserves an exciting blonde who goes out with college guys, not the best friend who plays basketball with his dad.
Yeah, Yeah, Get to the Sports
On the OTHER hand, he is REALLY good at basketball. So I guess it's okay to keep him around.
"I did not see the movie going in this direction," said Velma as the rest of the school instantly devolved into Teen Wolf Mania. It's only kind of an issue, but the only reason they're cool with Scott transforming is because he can win the school games. Even when he nearly kills a guy (drink), they don't really care as long as he continues to do well in sports. As a result, about a third of the movie takes place on a basketball court.
We developed a game of our own. Velma informed us that there's a dick shot in one of the games. Some guy just has his shlong hanging out for all to see. Instead of watching Scott as the wolf make baskets, we scanned the audience looking for the elusive penis.
We'd just about given up hope until the final shot of the movie. And if you think about it, isn't that the best place to put a penis? With cheerful, inspirational 80's music and a cheering crowd accompaning it?
Drink whenever someone makes a basket.
This will occupy your time during the games, which were the slowest part of the movie for us. You could even reverse it, and drink every time a shot fails.
Drink when Styles wears shirts with phrases on them.
In what universe could anyone get away with wearing a shirt that says "What are you looking at, Dicknose?" to school? Just this one, and only because it's Styles.
Drink when the Vice Principal shows up.
Just any time. He's a dick. A dick who somehow exactly parallels Severus Snape's relationship to Harry Potter, but without the redemptive death scene.
For Your Inebriation is written by Krissy Pappau (Hollis Beck). Video footage is taken by Pooh Daddy (Vincent Graham) and edited by Seb (Amy Yourd). All "Teen Wolf" related footage is owned by Paramount Pictures, MGM and Wolfkill Productions.