Game #34: Teen Wolf

"It's Literally a Romp Plus Lyncanthropy."

Happy almost Halloween, everyone! It's that time of year, where people like to indulge in pumpkin spice lattes, apple picking, and watching spooooky movies. So we decided to give you a couple of spoooky drinking games to try on for size.

Or at least that was the idea, but then this 80's classic caught our eye. "Teen Wolf" has received a resurgance in popularity since the television adaptation, which is now in its third season, hit the airwaves. I can't speak for the quality of the TV show; I've never seen it (I know, for shame), but I'm not sure it can top this cult hit. This movie taught us that you should always stay true to yourself, because people will accept you...as long as you're good at organized sports. And if you get turned down constantly by the pretty popular girl, don't worry! Your childhood friend is there as a back-up. And make sure to avoid dangerous stunts unless you have the strength that only the full moon can bring you.

Yeah. This is a weird one. How did it slip past my radar for this long?

"Beer Wolf": The Rules

I found a drink called the "Beer Wolf", which is Mountain Dew mixed with vodka and triple sec. If this gets you too jacked, consider spiking any kind of energy drink. You're going to work up a sweat with this movie.

Because the world revolves around basketball. Basketball is everything.

Easy Mode
1. Drink for title drops. For Easy Mode, that's everytime someone says "Teen Wolf".
2. Drink when they drink. There's a lot of underaged drinking in this flick. Don't do it, kids. 
3. Drink for Daddy Issues. Werewolf daddy issues. Aw yeah.
4. Drink for signs of lycanthropy, and drink twice when Scott transforms completely.
5. Drink for school activities. Drunk parties don't count. But basketball does. Certainly.

Medium Mode
All the above rules apply. Also...
1. Title drops: Drink whenever someone says "wolf". Chug when it's chanted en masse.
2. Drink for Teen Wolf paraphanalia.
3. Drink when someone makes wolf gestures or sounds.

Hard Mode
All the above rules apply. Also...
1. Drink for acts of aggression and violent behavior

This scene here nets you at least three drinks

The Players

Our players for this game include...

Krissy: Doesn't mind the full moon as long as Mercury is going direct (Hard)
Velma Jinkies: Loves solving mysteries about Werewolves (Easy)
Seb: Met a Werewolf once. His hair was perfect. (Medium)
Pooh Daddy: Refuses to be photographed. I wonder why...(Medium)

Join us on our hairiest drinking game yet. It's Teen Wolf!

Must be a Full Moon

This movie opens with the least interesting credit sequence in film history. It's a completely black screen with some weird, rhythmic noises playing underneath. Nothing drives the story. It deliberately gives you no hints as to what the movie you're about to watch is going to be like. It's a void. An 80's void.

I blame the opening completely for all of my moments of confusion during this movie. It could have warned me that this was a decent movie. But noooo, it had to get all existential on me. Had to try and be ominous. Good grief.

Teen Wolf can best be described as a movie that knew it wasn't going to age well and decided to entrench itself firmly in 1985. It is the cheesiest, feel-goodist, campiest depiction of high school life featuring werewolves I've ever seen. For example, listen to the music that plays during Michael J. Fox's first full transformation (as Velma remarked, the 80's did not know how to do suspense music very well).

And God, while we're at it, what's up with that transformation? The way it's shot, the long, overblown build-up to...a slightly hairier Michael J. Fox.

"He looks like Chewbacca! With eyeliner!" -Seb

This movie takes the tropes from every high school comedy AND every horror movie, smushes them together and makes a silly, fun mess. At times the movie has trouble with pacing. It tends to go off the rails a little, especially after the whole school transforms into one big Furry convention. But it never has a problem with knowing what it is. We still make movies like this. It's a bit of fluff that doesn't take itself too seriously and never intends to change your life, but tells a story that wants to be told well. It's the 80's equivalent of Thirteen Going On Thirty.

Can you hope to see a game for this in the future? Possibly.

Granted, I have never seen the television show inspired by this movie, but one of the elements that's keeping me from exploring it is the sense that it takes itself way too seriously. Look at this trailer.

Well, TV show, at least you keep the crappy music aspect in your retelling. Who do you think you are, Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Where's the car surfing, the wild underaged drinking, the shenanigans? Where are the tee-shirts, man? And lacrosse? You can't even get onto the basketball team, Scott? What kind of un-American sonofabitch are you? Lacrosse. For shame.

Fans of this show, I'm sure it's fine. Put down your torches and pitchforks, I know you are large in number and could easily overwhelm me. But I think you're trying to do too much with your source material. And you're missing out on some key elements that made the movie shine.

Like Boof. This show really seems to need a Boof.

Fifty Shades of Boof

When Boof was first introduced, I resented her purely because of her place in the story. She's Scott's childhood friend, and really loves their hometown. I thought she'd be the supportive sounding board for Scott and his problems, would stand by him quietly and nurse developing feelings of passion until she couldn't take it anymore. 

I underestimated how cool Boof is.

Almost immediately any notion of Boof as a "Nice Girl" is tossed out the window. She makes it very clear to Scott that she's romantically interested in him, and makes concentrated efforts to win him. At the first high school party of the movie (can't drink, doesn't count as a school activity), she manages to get him into the closet for a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven through deceit and trickery, then manages to turn on the charm. 

And guess what? Until Scott turns all wolfy on her, it works.

Then, because he's a stupid boy, Scott sleeps with this chick

So what gives, Scott? Your hot childhood friend is all over you, and at the very least you're a horny teen who enjoys making out with her. Why not seal the deal and go steady? Why continue to lust after the unavailable Pamela?

"It's because he sees her as a person, not an object!" argues Seb. And yeah, I guess that's part of it. He's known Boof forever and maybe sexualizing her is something he can't do, no matter how much of an emotional bond they have. I think it's even simpler than that, though. Taking gender politics out of this, Boof reminds him of his hometown. She's always been a part of his life, and when he thinks of her he thinks of growing up.

The thing is, Scott hates his hometown. Several times in the beginning of the movie, he discusses with Boof how boring their town is, how lame it is that he has to work at his Dad's hardware store, how he wants to get out because he knows he's special. Boof responds with "Your Dad's a great guy," and "I love our hometown."

The idea of being with Boof to Scott means that he has given up. He's chosen to settle down with his childhood friend, have kids, take over the hardware store and never leave the town he grew up in. So he lusts after an unattainable ideal, not because he's a jerk who objectifies women, but because he secretly thinks that he deserves better. He deserves an exciting blonde who goes out with college guys, not the best friend who plays basketball with his dad.

"I think she's verging on lesbian." -Pooh Daddy

Scott learns as the movie goes on that Boof is the only one who sees him and loves him for who he really is, so he comes to his senses and gets with her during the big happy ending. He was never going to reach that conclusion on his own, though. Full credit goes to Boof for being up front about her feelings, communicative about what she wanted and self-possessed when she didn't get anything back. We should all hope to be that cool.

Yeah, Yeah, Get to the Sports

We've covered some of the ridiculous aspects of this movie, but by far the most silly is the notion that Michael J Fox would ever be a starring player on a basketball team. But man, does he look adorable when his face is slammed into the ground. That is, until he goes full-on wolf in the middle of a game.

Dawww, look at how sweaty he is.

What makes the transformation on the court scene so effective is that you can clearly see the wheels turning in the heads of everyone present. On the one hand, a werewolf has appeared spontaneously in the middle of a high school basketball game. We don't know if he's vicious. We don't know if he's hungry. We're stumped.

On the OTHER hand, he is REALLY good at basketball. So I guess it's okay to keep him around.

"I did not see the movie going in this direction," said Velma as the rest of the school instantly devolved into Teen Wolf Mania. It's only kind of an issue, but the only reason they're cool with Scott transforming is because he can win the school games. Even when he nearly kills a guy (drink), they don't really care as long as he continues to do well in sports. As a result, about a third of the movie takes place on a basketball court.

We developed a game of our own. Velma informed us that there's a dick shot in one of the games. Some guy just has his shlong hanging out for all to see. Instead of watching Scott as the wolf make baskets, we scanned the audience looking for the elusive penis.

We'd just about given up hope until the final shot of the movie. And if you think about it, isn't that the best place to put a penis? With cheerful, inspirational 80's music and a cheering crowd accompaning it?

The guy zips up his pants and then the credits roll

The Results

We explored a cult classic and got jacked up on Mountain Dew. I'd consider that a successful drinking game. Here are some extra rules, though, in case the game wasn't spooooky enough.

Drink whenever someone makes a basket.
This will occupy your time during the games, which were the slowest part of the movie for us. You could even reverse it, and drink every time a shot fails.

Drink when Styles wears shirts with phrases on them.
In what universe could anyone get away with wearing a shirt that says "What are you looking at, Dicknose?" to school? Just this one, and only because it's Styles.

Drink when the Vice Principal shows up.
Just any time. He's a dick. A dick who somehow exactly parallels Severus Snape's relationship to Harry Potter, but without the redemptive death scene.

Although, who wouldn't want to expell this kid?

This movie isn't really all that scary, I'll admit. Next week we'll look at a real Halloween movie.

It's also a Christmas movie!

Like what you see? Follow us on Facebook and Twitter, at For Your Inebriation and @KrissyPappau respectively. You'll get weekly updates, behind the scenes drunk talk, and other chatter!

For Your Inebriation is written by Krissy Pappau (Hollis Beck). Video footage is taken by Pooh Daddy (Vincent Graham) and edited by Seb (Amy Yourd). All "Teen Wolf" related footage is owned by Paramount Pictures, MGM and Wolfkill Productions.