"Oh, We're in Trouble..."
I made this game way too difficult.
It had to happen at some point, and I'm kind of glad it happened with this movie. The Goonies is loud, it's raucous, it's constantly moving, it's everything a good adventure should be. That being said, we got drunker than One-Eyed Willy on the day he christened his ship.
I'm actually recommending that you NOT play this game with the rules we used. It's too difficult, you probably won't be concious by the time you're finished, and you definitely won't remember the movie.
The Goonies is vicious. You've been warned.
It had to happen at some point, and I'm kind of glad it happened with this movie. The Goonies is loud, it's raucous, it's constantly moving, it's everything a good adventure should be. That being said, we got drunker than One-Eyed Willy on the day he christened his ship.
I'm actually recommending that you NOT play this game with the rules we used. It's too difficult, you probably won't be concious by the time you're finished, and you definitely won't remember the movie.
The Goonies is vicious. You've been warned.
"The Drunkies": The Rules
We tried a cocktail called "The Goonie" (recipe courtesy of yumsugar.com). It's liquid death, but it tastes pretty good. You can make one with...
1 part vodka
1 part raspberry liqueur
1 part cranberry juice
1 part orange juice
We used an entire bottle of De Kuyper Raspberry Pucker. Do the math.
Easy Mode
1. Drink for Title Drops (Every time someone says Goonie or Goonies).
2. Drink for Daddy Issues.
3. Drink when they drink. The Goonies drink water and diet pepsi.
4. Pick two Goonies. Drink whenever someone says their names. Two drinks if someone uses their real names. The Goonies for reference are...
Mike ("Mikey")
Brandon ("Bran")
Lawrence ("Chunk")
Clark ("Mouth")
Richard ("Data")
Andrea ("Andy")
Stefanie ("Stef")
5. Drink every time someone breaks something. It's usually Chunk.
Medium Mode
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Pick three Goonies. Drink whenever someone says their names, two drinks for their real names.
2. Drink every time a booby trap is set off.
3. Drink whenever a child swears.
Hard Mode
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Pick five Goonies. Drink whenever someone says their names, two drinks for their real names.
2. Drink whenever somebody gets wet.
1 part vodka
1 part raspberry liqueur
1 part cranberry juice
1 part orange juice
We used an entire bottle of De Kuyper Raspberry Pucker. Do the math.
Easy Mode
1. Drink for Title Drops (Every time someone says Goonie or Goonies).
2. Drink for Daddy Issues.
3. Drink when they drink. The Goonies drink water and diet pepsi.
4. Pick two Goonies. Drink whenever someone says their names. Two drinks if someone uses their real names. The Goonies for reference are...
Mike ("Mikey")
Brandon ("Bran")
Lawrence ("Chunk")
Clark ("Mouth")
Richard ("Data")
Andrea ("Andy")
Stefanie ("Stef")
5. Drink every time someone breaks something. It's usually Chunk.
Medium Mode
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Pick three Goonies. Drink whenever someone says their names, two drinks for their real names.
2. Drink every time a booby trap is set off.
3. Drink whenever a child swears.
Hard Mode
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Pick five Goonies. Drink whenever someone says their names, two drinks for their real names.
2. Drink whenever somebody gets wet.
Try not to think about it.
The Players
Our onscreen players tonight are Krissy (Me), Seb and Paul (a.k.a Big Moose). Before the game began, we asked them to talk about what they found funny when they were kids.
Our offscreen players tonight are...
The Bishop, "Bran" (Medium)
Williams, "Data" (Easy) [Guest]
Shirley Whiskas, "Andy" (Medium)
Okay guys. This is our time. Let's get to it!
The Bishop, "Bran" (Medium)
Williams, "Data" (Easy) [Guest]
Shirley Whiskas, "Andy" (Medium)
Okay guys. This is our time. Let's get to it!
Who's Your Favorite Goonie?
You'd better think hard about this question, because the answer might kill you.
The reason why the current version of this game crushes you is because of the Goonies themselves. I forgot when making the rules just how much little kids love to say each other's names, and how close THESE kids are in particuar. They're about to be separated, and they feel safest with each other, so they say each other's names a lot.
That meant that we finished our first drinks within the first fifteen minutes of the movie (on hard mode, ten).
The reason why the current version of this game crushes you is because of the Goonies themselves. I forgot when making the rules just how much little kids love to say each other's names, and how close THESE kids are in particuar. They're about to be separated, and they feel safest with each other, so they say each other's names a lot.
That meant that we finished our first drinks within the first fifteen minutes of the movie (on hard mode, ten).
Damn you kids and your friendship!
The difficulty of this rule varies drastically depending on which Goonies you pick. The more annoying ones are called by name a lot, but the quieter, unassuming Goonies rarely do. Data was by far our group's favorite, and he's usually only called by name when he's in trouble, so he's a safe choice if you're not looking to get sloshed. That being said, he gets himself into a fair amount of scrapes, just few and far between.
How many times does this kid almost die in this movie? Too many times.
There's one trick you can use to make the game easier for yourself. Pick the girls.
You don't even have to feel like a wimp if you make this decision. Especially if you're a girl yourself, you can use the ol' "Female Empowerment!" excuse. Drink for the ladies because you like the ladies. But also because they don't show up until half an hour into the movie, and their names are rarely mentioned. Hell, I don't think Stefanie is called by name ONCE in the entire movie.
The Bishop chose the two girls and Data as her Goonies and coasted through this game while we got knocked on our asses. Both valid ways of playing, but what's best for you?
You don't even have to feel like a wimp if you make this decision. Especially if you're a girl yourself, you can use the ol' "Female Empowerment!" excuse. Drink for the ladies because you like the ladies. But also because they don't show up until half an hour into the movie, and their names are rarely mentioned. Hell, I don't think Stefanie is called by name ONCE in the entire movie.
The Bishop chose the two girls and Data as her Goonies and coasted through this game while we got knocked on our asses. Both valid ways of playing, but what's best for you?
Oh, Boys
"Does anybody else feel like they're the same age as the characters in this movie?" Shirley asked at one point. Most of us nodded.
None of us were born in the 80's, so there's a bit of a culture difference there, but the spirit of the movie tugged at our heartstrings. We all started talking about our childhoods in ways we hadn't thought about in a long time. Williams told us about a Ninja Turtle backpack she owns ("It came with masks") and we all immediately wanted one. We talked about nicknames (very few of us ever had one) and siblings (most of us are younger or only children).
What makes this movie great is how much free reign is given to the kids. As Seb pointed out, "It's like they just didn't write a script for this movie. They were just like, kids, go." The dialogue and the pacing of this movie are so eerily kidlike, I wouldn't be surprised if that was true. These boys act like real kids: they swear (drink!), they break stuff (drink!) and they're hopelessly optimistic.
None of us were born in the 80's, so there's a bit of a culture difference there, but the spirit of the movie tugged at our heartstrings. We all started talking about our childhoods in ways we hadn't thought about in a long time. Williams told us about a Ninja Turtle backpack she owns ("It came with masks") and we all immediately wanted one. We talked about nicknames (very few of us ever had one) and siblings (most of us are younger or only children).
What makes this movie great is how much free reign is given to the kids. As Seb pointed out, "It's like they just didn't write a script for this movie. They were just like, kids, go." The dialogue and the pacing of this movie are so eerily kidlike, I wouldn't be surprised if that was true. These boys act like real kids: they swear (drink!), they break stuff (drink!) and they're hopelessly optimistic.
"I wish more people played like boys play" -Paul
But What About the Girls?
They're fine.
I mean, they aren't given the amount of personality that Molly Ringwald is given in any of her movies, but then again neither are any of the boys, so it's not really an issue. The girls are older, and operate as "big sister" figures or love interests. They're also less adventurous than the boys. The only reason they join them on the treasure hunt is because they get freaked out by some rake monster in front of the Fratelli's hideout.
I mean, they aren't given the amount of personality that Molly Ringwald is given in any of her movies, but then again neither are any of the boys, so it's not really an issue. The girls are older, and operate as "big sister" figures or love interests. They're also less adventurous than the boys. The only reason they join them on the treasure hunt is because they get freaked out by some rake monster in front of the Fratelli's hideout.
To be fair, that rake monster's pretty freaky
But it's clear that the Goonies wouldn't have made it to the pirate ship alive if it weren't for the girls. Andy's rudimentary piano playing is the key to solving a dangerous puzzle involving a pipe organ that happens to look like the iron throne in a certain fantasy series on HBO.
Am I the only one who sees this?
The two girls have very different ways of interacting with the boys. Andy's mostly a sex object (ew), and she locks lips with the two brothers at different points in the movie (also ew). She's more playful than Stef, who treats the boys more like equals. She gives them warnings, she argues with them, she even insults them when she feels like they deserve it.
Since Stef is clearly the smart quirky one, and since when you get to a certain point of drunkness the shipping goggles come on, we had a huge discussion about Stef's sexuality. In the movie she's canonically paired with Mouth, and the two of them have a combative relationship that mostly gets sorted out by movie's end. But she spends most of her time with Andy, and when Andy goes through a psychotic breakdown in the middle of the movie, Stef's the one to comfort her. Can these two be shipped?
"Stef is not a lesbian," Paul argued. "Stef will probably experiment in college and always secretly think about Andy and what could have been, but Stef is not currently a lesbian."
Stef, if it embarrases you for us to bring your sexuality into question, be comforted that we'll be doing the same thing with Sean Astin in twenty years.
Since Stef is clearly the smart quirky one, and since when you get to a certain point of drunkness the shipping goggles come on, we had a huge discussion about Stef's sexuality. In the movie she's canonically paired with Mouth, and the two of them have a combative relationship that mostly gets sorted out by movie's end. But she spends most of her time with Andy, and when Andy goes through a psychotic breakdown in the middle of the movie, Stef's the one to comfort her. Can these two be shipped?
"Stef is not a lesbian," Paul argued. "Stef will probably experiment in college and always secretly think about Andy and what could have been, but Stef is not currently a lesbian."
Stef, if it embarrases you for us to bring your sexuality into question, be comforted that we'll be doing the same thing with Sean Astin in twenty years.
In a much more high-stakes context
Daddy Issues
There's one scene in the movie that you could use for the "Daddy Issues" rule. As the Goonies trawl through the underground tunnel, they come across a series of pipes. They futz with the pipes, and as a result they cause a lot of mayhem on the world above. One of their victims is a boy taking a leak. His toilet explodes, he rockets into the air atop a surge of sewer water, and falls to the floor. Lying in the mess that is the public restroom, he stares about, panicked and shouts at the top of his lungs, "DADDYYYYYYY!"
Even Chunk isn't that much of a pussy
At the very least, this guy is a teenager. At most, he's a grown man. What psychological trauma could he have endured? What could the exploding toilet have triggered in his mind to make him cry for his father figure in a time of crisis, a father figure who probably isn't in the immediate area?
We may never know. But we will definitely drink to our wildest imaginings.
We may never know. But we will definitely drink to our wildest imaginings.
Descent Into Madness
The further the characters went on their quest for treasure, the less we paid attention to what was happening. Our focus left the movie, and apart from commenting on the course the plot had taken every once in a while, we devolved into spouting gibberish. Here are a couple of choice non-sequiturs.
"The blue-footed booby is my favorite animal!" -Krissy
"My Zigzagoon got me an Ultra Ball!" -Big Moose
"I'm drunk!" -Several people
"The boulders are bouncing!" -Seb
"It's the 80's, it's okay!" The Bishop, in response.
By the end of the movie, we all got quiet. There's a reason I'm not discussing the second half of the movie. I don't remember it.
"The blue-footed booby is my favorite animal!" -Krissy
"My Zigzagoon got me an Ultra Ball!" -Big Moose
"I'm drunk!" -Several people
"The boulders are bouncing!" -Seb
"It's the 80's, it's okay!" The Bishop, in response.
By the end of the movie, we all got quiet. There's a reason I'm not discussing the second half of the movie. I don't remember it.
Except for this face haunting my dreams
The Result
After the game, our players were made to "walk the plank" (or a straight line on the ground). Here's what happened.
I don't remember doing that. Big Moose doesn't remember doing that. God, what was I thinking with this game?
Instead of suggesting rules to lay on top of this game, I'm going to propose some alternate rules for you, or tweaks to the existing game. Trust me. You don't want the hangover that comes with the current version.
Change the number of Goonies you drink for.
Five Goonies is too many. Big Moose played the most difficult version of this game, which was drinking for all of the boys. This is a bad idea. In the future, easy mode should only follow one Goonie, medium should follow two Goonies, and hard mode should follow three Goonies. Follow more at your own risk.
Drink for character traits instead of character names.
This is an alternate rule to the Goonie name rule. This involves picking a Goonie and drinking whenever one of his/her quirks or talents is displayed on screen. Mikey has an inhaler. Chunk talks about food. Mouth speaks spanish. They all have skills. Let's encourage their talents.
Drink whenever someone threatens a child.
This happens a lot. The Fratellis are cartoonishly evil, but they're not the only ones who threaten violence against kids. Bran tells Mikey after he's been tied up by the gang that he'll "hit [him] so hard that when [he] wakes up [his] clothes will be out of style". That sort of thing wouldn't fly even five years later.
This movie was a lot of fun. I wholly support playing fast and loud to The Goonies, just not as fast or loud as we did. Join us next week, and be sure to leave any questions in the space below!
Follow us on twitter @krissypappau
Instead of suggesting rules to lay on top of this game, I'm going to propose some alternate rules for you, or tweaks to the existing game. Trust me. You don't want the hangover that comes with the current version.
Change the number of Goonies you drink for.
Five Goonies is too many. Big Moose played the most difficult version of this game, which was drinking for all of the boys. This is a bad idea. In the future, easy mode should only follow one Goonie, medium should follow two Goonies, and hard mode should follow three Goonies. Follow more at your own risk.
Drink for character traits instead of character names.
This is an alternate rule to the Goonie name rule. This involves picking a Goonie and drinking whenever one of his/her quirks or talents is displayed on screen. Mikey has an inhaler. Chunk talks about food. Mouth speaks spanish. They all have skills. Let's encourage their talents.
Drink whenever someone threatens a child.
This happens a lot. The Fratellis are cartoonishly evil, but they're not the only ones who threaten violence against kids. Bran tells Mikey after he's been tied up by the gang that he'll "hit [him] so hard that when [he] wakes up [his] clothes will be out of style". That sort of thing wouldn't fly even five years later.
This movie was a lot of fun. I wholly support playing fast and loud to The Goonies, just not as fast or loud as we did. Join us next week, and be sure to leave any questions in the space below!
Follow us on twitter @krissypappau
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