"Oh, We're in Trouble..."
It had to happen at some point, and I'm kind of glad it happened with this movie. The Goonies is loud, it's raucous, it's constantly moving, it's everything a good adventure should be. That being said, we got drunker than One-Eyed Willy on the day he christened his ship.
I'm actually recommending that you NOT play this game with the rules we used. It's too difficult, you probably won't be concious by the time you're finished, and you definitely won't remember the movie.
The Goonies is vicious. You've been warned.
"The Drunkies": The Rules
1 part vodka
1 part raspberry liqueur
1 part cranberry juice
1 part orange juice
We used an entire bottle of De Kuyper Raspberry Pucker. Do the math.
1. Drink for Title Drops (Every time someone says Goonie or Goonies).
2. Drink for Daddy Issues.
3. Drink when they drink. The Goonies drink water and diet pepsi.
4. Pick two Goonies. Drink whenever someone says their names. Two drinks if someone uses their real names. The Goonies for reference are...
5. Drink every time someone breaks something. It's usually Chunk.
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Pick three Goonies. Drink whenever someone says their names, two drinks for their real names.
2. Drink every time a booby trap is set off.
3. Drink whenever a child swears.
All of the above rules apply. Also...
1. Pick five Goonies. Drink whenever someone says their names, two drinks for their real names.
2. Drink whenever somebody gets wet.
The Bishop, "Bran" (Medium)
Williams, "Data" (Easy) [Guest]
Shirley Whiskas, "Andy" (Medium)
Okay guys. This is our time. Let's get to it!
Who's Your Favorite Goonie?
The reason why the current version of this game crushes you is because of the Goonies themselves. I forgot when making the rules just how much little kids love to say each other's names, and how close THESE kids are in particuar. They're about to be separated, and they feel safest with each other, so they say each other's names a lot.
That meant that we finished our first drinks within the first fifteen minutes of the movie (on hard mode, ten).
You don't even have to feel like a wimp if you make this decision. Especially if you're a girl yourself, you can use the ol' "Female Empowerment!" excuse. Drink for the ladies because you like the ladies. But also because they don't show up until half an hour into the movie, and their names are rarely mentioned. Hell, I don't think Stefanie is called by name ONCE in the entire movie.
The Bishop chose the two girls and Data as her Goonies and coasted through this game while we got knocked on our asses. Both valid ways of playing, but what's best for you?
None of us were born in the 80's, so there's a bit of a culture difference there, but the spirit of the movie tugged at our heartstrings. We all started talking about our childhoods in ways we hadn't thought about in a long time. Williams told us about a Ninja Turtle backpack she owns ("It came with masks") and we all immediately wanted one. We talked about nicknames (very few of us ever had one) and siblings (most of us are younger or only children).
What makes this movie great is how much free reign is given to the kids. As Seb pointed out, "It's like they just didn't write a script for this movie. They were just like, kids, go." The dialogue and the pacing of this movie are so eerily kidlike, I wouldn't be surprised if that was true. These boys act like real kids: they swear (drink!), they break stuff (drink!) and they're hopelessly optimistic.
But What About the Girls?
I mean, they aren't given the amount of personality that Molly Ringwald is given in any of her movies, but then again neither are any of the boys, so it's not really an issue. The girls are older, and operate as "big sister" figures or love interests. They're also less adventurous than the boys. The only reason they join them on the treasure hunt is because they get freaked out by some rake monster in front of the Fratelli's hideout.
Since Stef is clearly the smart quirky one, and since when you get to a certain point of drunkness the shipping goggles come on, we had a huge discussion about Stef's sexuality. In the movie she's canonically paired with Mouth, and the two of them have a combative relationship that mostly gets sorted out by movie's end. But she spends most of her time with Andy, and when Andy goes through a psychotic breakdown in the middle of the movie, Stef's the one to comfort her. Can these two be shipped?
"Stef is not a lesbian," Paul argued. "Stef will probably experiment in college and always secretly think about Andy and what could have been, but Stef is not currently a lesbian."
Stef, if it embarrases you for us to bring your sexuality into question, be comforted that we'll be doing the same thing with Sean Astin in twenty years.
We may never know. But we will definitely drink to our wildest imaginings.
Descent Into Madness
"The blue-footed booby is my favorite animal!" -Krissy
"My Zigzagoon got me an Ultra Ball!" -Big Moose
"I'm drunk!" -Several people
"The boulders are bouncing!" -Seb
"It's the 80's, it's okay!" The Bishop, in response.
By the end of the movie, we all got quiet. There's a reason I'm not discussing the second half of the movie. I don't remember it.
Instead of suggesting rules to lay on top of this game, I'm going to propose some alternate rules for you, or tweaks to the existing game. Trust me. You don't want the hangover that comes with the current version.
Change the number of Goonies you drink for.
Five Goonies is too many. Big Moose played the most difficult version of this game, which was drinking for all of the boys. This is a bad idea. In the future, easy mode should only follow one Goonie, medium should follow two Goonies, and hard mode should follow three Goonies. Follow more at your own risk.
Drink for character traits instead of character names.
This is an alternate rule to the Goonie name rule. This involves picking a Goonie and drinking whenever one of his/her quirks or talents is displayed on screen. Mikey has an inhaler. Chunk talks about food. Mouth speaks spanish. They all have skills. Let's encourage their talents.
Drink whenever someone threatens a child.
This happens a lot. The Fratellis are cartoonishly evil, but they're not the only ones who threaten violence against kids. Bran tells Mikey after he's been tied up by the gang that he'll "hit [him] so hard that when [he] wakes up [his] clothes will be out of style". That sort of thing wouldn't fly even five years later.
This movie was a lot of fun. I wholly support playing fast and loud to The Goonies, just not as fast or loud as we did. Join us next week, and be sure to leave any questions in the space below!
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